Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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