Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
