i would punch a child for taco bell
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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