cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
