Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
