Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
