My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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