The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just high enough for therapy.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Randomize
