Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
