I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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