my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
