I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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