The brown eye won't let me do that either.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
