I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
