My friends, they love my intelligence
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
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