you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
