I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
