he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Dicks are not precious.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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