i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
