I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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