Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
