I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
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I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
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