I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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