i only shaved half my leg
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra