I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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