I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
