dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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