the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You made out with two different species that night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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