Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
