Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
