how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
