My hand turned me down
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
