happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
im six kinds of drunk right now
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
