I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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