A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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