Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
