Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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