i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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