Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
