that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
