he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
