If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
