I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
