your parents love me but you hate me
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
