I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
FUCK WHALES
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
