watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
