Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
