So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
