Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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