Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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