I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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