it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
