mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
