if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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