My nipple is on Facebook.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
