did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
