I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
They should really pass out barf bags in church
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
