I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
