Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
