i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Rumble strips road head = magical
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
