You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
